Snow
White and the 7 Aliens
Parish of St Mary, Harrington
Pantomime Script
Here you find the script of the Snow White pantomime we put on. If you find anything you can use, just go ahead and use it. All we ask is that you let us know if you have found this script helpful for anything you are doing by contacting us.
Also available: Cinderella pantomime Script
Aladdin Under the Sea Pantomime Script
Snow White and the 7 Aliens
written by Judith Dixon
Scene 1 – In the palace on Zotril
Narrator
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. She was greatly
loved across the whole kingdom. Unfortunately, when her father
died she was left in the care of her stepmother who was OK, but
well…she was also very beautiful and as queen she figured it
was her God given right that she should be the fairest in the
land. They lived in a wonderful palace a long long way from
Harrington. In fact the palace was on the other side of the
galaxy on the planet of Zotril (I know, I know, it sounds like a
tube of toothpaste, but as it happens the most popular brand of
toothpaste on Zotril is actually called Harrington. It’s a
strange world, well, worlds actually). Anyway, let’s
go there now to meet the queen… Oh, I almost forgot to
mention, as well as being a queen, she is also a witch!
Queen
(Sitting at her mirror while her goblin puts an extraordinary
head dress on her.) Ah yes, this new style really suits me.
Gives me height to make me seem more imposing.
Goulash
Yes Your Majesty, you seem even more terrifying than usual.
Queen
That’s right Goulash, I love the look of fear in the
people’s eyes on a walk about. Every time I shake
someone’s hand I do a spell and they never know what they
might be turned into.
Goulash
Last week it was 3 toads, 6 worms and a stoat if I remember
correctly.
Queen
(laughing) Oh yes and don’t forget the duck. It
looked so funny as it waddled away quacking!
Goulash
That was Jones, the baker, you turned his wife into a vicar the
week before.
Queen
Yes, perhaps that was going a bit far!
Goulash
And you turned that nice woman in the shop into an estate
agent…
Queen
Ok. Ok. Anyway, its time for this week’s walkabout in 5
minutes. We’ll have to get going. (Doing her lipstick)Well
that is perfect, I look truly stunning. My beauty alone will
leave them speechless! Come on Goulash, show time!
Exit Queen and
Goulash and enter Snow White and Flash from the other side.
Narrator
Now here comes our hero, Flash Gordon, saviour of the Universe!
We must make him feel special. So I want you to help me –
every time we see him we’ll all sing “Flash, aa-aah,
Saviour of the Universe!” Lets practise: “Flash aa-aah,
saviour of the universe!” Good – now look he’s
coming…
As Flash enters
he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition.
Audience
Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
Narrator
And he’s got Snow White with him.
Snow White
She’s gone, we’ll be safe here!
Flash
She’s gone on one of her walkabouts. She’ll be out for
hours and the community will be in shatters afterwards with
everybody in their gardens trying to work out if the worm they
are holding is in fact great uncle Bert. She is so evil!
Snow White
I know, but it’s just that she is so obsessed by beauty. She
is afraid that if there were anyone as beautiful as her that they
would challenge her supremacy.
Flash
But that’s just it, you are more beautiful than she
is and one day she will discover this. I’m scared of what
she might do to you, my dear Snow White.
Snow White
Oh Flash, you’re exaggerating!
Flash
I don’t think so. We must carry out our plan to elope as
soon as possible.
Snow White
Elope! How romantic. I’d love to elope with you my love and
we can live happily ever after on some little quiet planet
somewhere. I’ve heard the planet Earth is quite nice,
although the place names do sound a bit like toothpaste!
Flash
Well, I’ll go and make the arrangements straight away. Meet
me in the woods at
Snow White
Oh yes Flash, I’ll go to the ends of the Universe with
you!
They exit as
the other 2 return
Narrator
Oh dear, here comes the Queen again, what a bore. You can boo her
later on if you like, but perhaps for now we’d better give
her three cheers. Royalty like that kind of thing. Makes them
feel important, makes them feel like they are doing something
useful, and we’ve got to keep her happy or Flash and Snow
White will never get away with it. So here goes… Hip
Hip…
Queen
A success! A triumph! I wowed them out there!
Goulash
It was great, Your Majesty. I heard several people admire your
new clothes.
Queen
The Lord Mayor even commented at how young looking I am. No grey
hairs at all yet!
Goulash
And hardly any wrinkles!
Queen
Careful Goulash!
Goulash
Oh er sorry, no wrinkles at all!
Queen
Anyway, I still just
want to be sure, lets hear what the mirror has to say:
Mirror,
mirror, you are wise
You see and yet you have no eyes
Some have eyes who cannot see
But you can pick out true beauty
O Mirror, mirror
on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror
O Queen, as always you are fair
Your face will always make men stare
But there is one in your household
Who’s youthful shape makes you look old
You ask me so I tell you right
The fairest of them all? Snow White!
Queen
Oh this is nonsense, she’s a girl
She knows nothing of the world
Her dimples and her smiles are childish
Her clothes are never ever stylish!
Things would have gone the other way
If only she’d been called ‘slush grey’.
Mirror
That may be true but she is fair
And next to her you don’t compare
Her figure and her face are sweet
To look on her is quite a treat!
Queen
Oh these couplets are so boring. My anger and my vengeance
soaring, I can’t stop rhyming, its that mirror, it really is
a holy terror!
Goulash(looking
at a picture of Snow White) I’ve never noticed before,
but the mirror is right, she is a real looker!
Queen
That’s it! Snow White must die! I’ll do everything in
my power to destroy the little strumpet!
Narrator and
Goulash sing “Killer Queen”
Scene 2
– In another palace, on Klart
Narrator
Meanwhile, far away across the galaxy, in another palace,
remarkably similar to the first one, a wedding is about to take
place. A wedding of a somewhat political nature. The two planets
of Klart and Slobber have been at war for generations and a truce
has been called while the Emperor Ming of Klart marries Princess
Slobber – perhaps this will bring a cessation of violence
forever.
Ming’s Mum
Now Ming dear there’s no point in arguing. The matter is all
decided. The only way to prove to the Sloberians that we are no
longer a threat to their security is for you to marry the
Princess.
Ming
But mother, I haven’t even seen her. How can I promise to
marry some girl I’ve never met. She might be hideous!
Mum
Well it’s of no consequence, they’re on their way right
now. The wedding is today and I’ll be signing a peace treaty
as you sign the marriage register. As we speak thousands of
troops are returning to their families. So stop moaning and start
preparing for the joys of wedlock!
Ming
Wedlock, that word sends shivers down my spine! Oh
Druffle, old pal, what shall I do?
Druffle
It’ll be alright, she’s a princess, she’s bound to
be beautiful.
Ming
They’re not all beautiful, Fiona was an ogre!
Druffle
OK, but that was the exception! These arranged marriages always
work out fine – you’ll learn to love her!
Ming
Do you really think so?
Druffle
Oh stop fussing. How bad can she be? I think I hear something,
that’ll be them now.
Mother
On your best behaviour now Ming.
The Wedding
March plays as the Slobber family enter. The princess wears a
veil.
Ming
We are delighted to welcome you to the
King
We have waged war with your kingdom for 4 generations. I hope we
can trust you to respect the terms of our peace treaty.
Ming
Of course. We are removing all our troops from the borders and we
promise not to capture any more cities as long as you release the
Klartian prisoners.
King
Good. The business is over. We have come here to celebrate.
Ming
Yes, I look forward to meeting the beautiful lady who is to be my
bride. Is she coming along later?
Mum
(Whispers to Ming)You idiot! That’s her with the
veil?
Ming
(gasps) Oh madam, forgive me, I-I thought you looked too
young for matrimony!
Druffle
(Whispers to Ming)Nice recovery!
Ming
(Whispers to Druffle) Druffle, she – she’s
enormous!
Druffle
(Whispers to Ming) Don’t panic, most super models are
very tall!
Ming
(Whispers to Druffle) You’re right – a
super-model, huh! Now you’re talking!
Druffle
She’ll be like a god.
Ming
Yes, yes, like Venus the goddess of love!
Druffle
(aside) I was thinking more of Buddha.
Vicar
Will the couple step forward? There now – we are gathered
together … and you have a ring… so that’s it, I
now pronounce you husband and wife!
Ming
Is that all? (aside) I don’t think much of vicars
these days.
Vicar
Oh yes a very simple service. Simple, but elegant, I think
you’ll agree. Well then young man, you may kiss the bride!
Princess
removes veil.
Ming
Aaaargh! (He staggers back in horror as the princess puckers
up) Mother what have you done? It’s a monster! It’s
revolting.
King
How dare you! Tear up that treaty – let the war continue.
You have insulted my daughter, you have insulted me, you have
insulted the whole Sloberian empire! (To the princess)Farewell
my child!
The Sloberians
depart leaving the Princess.
Ming
Right, yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, bye there, have a good
trip…(sees princess) Aaaah. Wait. You’ve
forgotten something. Come back, you’ve left your luggage
behind. Aren’t you taking it with you? What do you want me
to do with it?
Mum
Oh Ming, what a disaster. You ruined the whole thing and
you’ve hurt the poor girl’s feelings. I’ve got a
good mind to stop your pocket money!
Ming
Mum!
Mum
Come here my dear, just ignore the nasty husband!
Princess
I had my hair done especially for the day, I guess he
doesn’t like my hair!
Ming
Your hair is fine dear, you just need more of it to cover up your
face! And maybe less of it on your chest!
Princess (wailing)
O you cruel man, you are totally without mercy.
The ladies
leave
Ming
That’s it Druffle. This fiasco has broken the last remnants
of kindness left in me. From now on I shall be known as Ming the
Merciless and I shall crush the Sloberians before taking over as
ruler of the whole Universe – Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Scene 3
– the town of Klart
Narrator
The people of Klart suffered as Ming the Merciless
mobilised his men again after only one day’s leave.
Enter
Ming’s Merciless Militia (scouts) singing
Sergeant Major
Right you lot, it’s time to fight for your country. Every
able bodied man is ordered to pack up and join up.
Daddy
But we only came home yesterday!
Mummy
I thought the war was over.
Militia
Well it’s started again so let’s go.
Child 1
Daddy why are you going to fight the Sloberians now?
Daddy
O my sweet child. Ours is not to reason why – we must trust
our noble rulers.
Child 2
I thought Emperor Ming was going to marry the Princess of Slobber
and live happily ever after.
Daddy
Well, for some reason that scheme doesn’t seem to have
worked.
Child 3
Is it true that Princess Slobber is so ugly that Emperor Ming was
physically sick?
Mummy
Well now Darlings, no more gossip, Daddy has to go. Farewell my
husband – come home to us soon.
Militia exit
with daddy and Children sing
Narrator
A tattered society. Almost no men to do the heavy work, but, as
in every war, there was a home guard. It was a collection of men,
brave and dependable, strong and intelligent. You remember
Dad’s army! The community relied on them for protection and
comfort. There are seven of them, and once upon a time they would
have been called the seven dwarfs, but in this sensitive age, the
politically correct title for the show, Snow White and the seven
people of diminutive stature, just didn’t sound right, and
besides where were we going to find 7 short people in Harrington?
7 aliens enter
at a march
Bossy
Hup, 2, 3, 4, Keep it up, 2, 3, 4
Misery
Oh for goodness sake Bossy, we’ve been marching round and
round this town all day. The war is 300 light years away, why
can’t we stop?
Snoozy finds a
comfy corner and sits down
Snoozy
I’ll just catch forty winks while you guys argue.
Dull
Actually it’s 280 light years and I calculated that the
possibility of the Sloberian army attacking this town within the
next month, as outweighed by the chances of the complete
planet’s destruction, was on average 3 to 1 against, with a
probability factor of 63 over 29.85 so…
Shy
I’m sorry to interrupt Mr Dull, but perhaps there is
something more useful we could be doing to help the local
community.
Frenchy
Oui, Oui, we need to service ze lonely ladies in zis town. It is
to zem we should be marching! Isn’t zat what you mean Shy.
Giggles
hee, hee, hee! That’s what Shy meant alright, he’s
never spoken to a female in his life.
Shy
I have.
Giggles
I didn’t mean your mum!!! Ha ha ha.
Shy
Actually, I was married once.
Giggles
What happened? How did it end?
Shy
Death separated us.
Misery
Death? Who died?
Shy
She did of course!
Bossy
Well, you think you know a guy…Anyway, what are we standing
around here for?
Misery
We’re having a rest!
Frenchy
I’m quite ze chef you know, if we’re ‘aving ze
rest maybe I cook us something to eat. Would you like Roast Beef
or Pea Soup?
Giggles
Soup for me please. After all anybody can Roast Beef, but only
Frenchy can pea soup. Hehehe.
Bossy
Oi you lot, you need a rest eh? Getting hungry? Your poor legs
are getting tired? Well, I’m in charge here so until my
orders change, I’ve got to keep you lot fit. You snivelling,
worthless (he strides up and down as though they are on
parade) hey, where’s Snoozy?
Snoozy
Huh? What? Oh coming. ( He slowly takes his place – still
yawning)
Giggles
Come on Snoozy, we’re being disciplined, tee hee, Bossy
is telling us that we’re useless again.
Misery
Och he just likes the sound of his own voice. It’s not
as though any of us listen.
Dull
Of course the statistics tell us that obedience in a regiment
is the single most important factor in the survival of the
soldiers.
Giggles
That’s assuming your officer has a clue about what
he’s supposed to be doing! Hee hee, ha, ha!
Bossy
Right, that’s enough. Repeat after me while jogging on
the spot…
We are here to save our Klart
Just in case the Slobbers start
Far away there is a war
But we can’t go there that’s for sure
I’m too old, and he’s too mad
Snoozy’s caring for his dad
Giggles drove the army nuts
Laughing fit to split his guts
Frenchy is a pacifist
He’s too scared to use his fist
Dull is last, he knows his stuff
But he’s so boring they had enough.
Scene 4
- palace on Zotril
Queen
Have you seen that girl?
Goulash
Who? Snow White? She’s singing sweetly in the garden, a
lovely sight, I’ve been watching her for the past hour,
I’m totally besotted.
Queen
You traitor! You won’t think she’s so pretty when I
have her heart cut out and brought to me in a jar!
Goulash
A jar… oh of course, you’re jealous so you’re
going to kill her.
Queen
Jealous? Jealous? She’s an evil manipulating witch –
she is not pretty, she has just put a spell on you. You fool
– she’s really taken you in.
Goulash
Snow White is a witch? Sorry I thought you were the witch.
Turning people into animals and clergy and all.
Queen
Nonsense you silly man. Anyway, if I didn’t have uses
for you, you’d be a cockroach by now and don’t you
forget it! Or an estate agent!
My most trusted soldier is on his way to receive my orders.
Enter soldier
Queen
Ah, Sergeant Soft, I was waiting for you.
Soft
Ma’am, I await your orders.
Queen
You are familiar with the evil witch who lives in my household?
Soft
I only live to serve you Ma’am.
Queen
Not me, you idiot, Snow White!
Soft
Snow White is an evil witch? Never!
Queen
Do you defy me? Would you prefer to be a toad or a worm?
Soft
Sorry Ma’am! I forgot myself, Snow White is certainly a most
terrible sorceress. (He looks at Goulash and shrugs as if the
Queen is mad.)
Queen
Your task is to destroy Snow White and bring me her heart in a
jar by
Soft
Destroy Snow White? But perhaps prison would be more appropriate,
or even better, maybe she could just come and live with me in my
house. I’d look after her and make sure she didn’t...
Queen
Abracadabra…(She is about to put a spell on him.)
Soft
OK, OK! I’ll do it. Snow White’s heart in a jar by
Queen
Just get on with it will you. I need that Snow White dead!
Soft
(To the audience) How can I kill Snow White? I love Snow
White! Everybody loves Snow White!
Scene 5
– the palace at Klart
Ming has his
head in his hands as his mother enters
Narrator
This whole situation is a diplomatic disaster. The fighting
is intense and the Slobber army are currently on top.
Mother
How are you going to explain it to the people, if the Slobbers
invade this planet?
Ming
Oh I don’t know. But I can’t go ahead with this
marriage to a monster.
Druffle
Oh make an effort, what would it take to get you to
kiss her?
Ming
An anaesthetic!
Mother
Ming, you must make this marriage work! If we can’t persuade
the King of Slobber that his daughter is happy, well…
you’ll have to go to the war and fight alongside your
subjects!
Ming
What? Me fight in a war? Mother, you can’t make me!
Mother
You know I can and this new phase of the battle is your fault so
the least you can do is go and lead your own troops.
Ming
I may be merciless, but I’m not fearless, I can’t fight
a battle. What shall I do?
Druffle
You could try a bit harder with the princess.
Ming
Hmm. Mother, what if the princess were to die accidentally?
Mother
Well, it’s very unlikely while she’s here, but I
suppose we might be forced to negotiate a new treaty if one of
the main parts of the last one expired.
Mother exits
busily.
Druffle
What did she say?
Ming
She said that if the Slobberchops dies by accident, I don’t
have to go to war. I have a cunning plan! Call my special force!
Druffle
Ming’s Merciless Militia! Fall in!
The MMM enter
to receive orders.
Ming
Ah, my regiment of revolting rascals. I have a special task for
you, huddle up!
They huddle up
and he whispers his plan.
Enter Princess Slobber, the MMM spread
round the outside of the stage with their various weapons.
Ming
Ah my dear, how lovely to see you.
Princess Lovely?
You think I am lovely?
Ming
Well er… yes, I’m sorry about the other day, I was er,
shy. Of course, now I am more used to you I can tell you how I
really feel.
Princess
Oh, I understand. You poor sweet boy, shyness can be such a
difficult affliction. You don’t have to worry with me
though, I may be a princess, but I’m quite ordinary really.
Ming
Ordinary, right, but in fact I am …over whelmed by you, you
being a princess and all.
Princess
Oh no. You mustn’t feel like that. I have always dreamed of
what it would it would be like to have a – well, a man.
Ming
You’ve never had a boy friend?
Princess No,
it wouldn’t have been allowed.
Ming
I guess not.
Princess
I imagined that when I had a…partner, we might have pet
names – like Teddy Bear…
Ming
Or Chu-chi face?
Princess
Oh yes, Chu-chi face! (She squeezes his cheek affectionately,
but hard and he recoils in pain.)
They sing Chu-chi face as the MMM try to
kill the Princess in various different ways.
Princess
Ming dear, I am not sure these soldiers have my welfare in mind.
Ming
They certainly don’t have mine – (aside) as
she’s still here! (To the Princess) I may have to go
to fight in Sloberia!
Princess
Oh no! I shall write to my father tomorrow to tell him of my
marital bliss. The war shall end before my dear shy husband need
go and risk his life. (seductively)I’ll see you
later.
Ming
Oh help! I don’t know what is worse, happily ever after with
Frankenstein’s monster or death and oblivion on a distant
battlefield. (To the MMM)And you guys were no help! You
were supposed to kill her, you idiots, but you were about as much
use as a chocolate fireguard.
Scene
6– In the woods on Zotril
Narrator
Here we are back on Zotril, where Snow White and Flash Gordon
have a date to elope, but Sergeant Soft has other plans. I think
Flash is coming, are you ready? Can you remember what to sing?
Audience
Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
As Flash enters
he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Flash
I am so excited. I have arranged passage for me and my love Snow
White upon this space shuttle. We plan to elope this very night.
She should be along any minute. (He whistles while he waits)
Ooh, there’s no “facilities” on board and I’m
bursting, just excuse me for a moment!
He exits right.
Snow white
enters from the left
Snow White
I’m sure this is where I’m supposed to meet Flash
Gordon. I’ve brought a picnic and a good book to read on the
journey. It’s amazing what you can get in Ashcroft’s-
that is the one thing I’ll miss when I go to earth. There
can’t be another shop called Ashcroft’s in the entire
universe.
Narrator
Oh yes there is.
Snow White
Oh no there isn’t.
Etc.
Snow White
Oh, where is Flash?
Sergeant
Soft enters
Soft
(To the audience) There she is, I could do it right now. I
must do it right now – it’s her life or mine – The
queen will turn me into something nasty if I don’t kill Snow
White, and my wife will kill me if I get turned into a
toad – she says I’m as lazy as a toad already! Oh my
goodness, she’s so pretty, I don’t know if I can do
this.(He hides behind a tree)
SW
It’s a bit spooky in these woods all alone. I wonder if you
could help. Would you tell me if you see anything dangerous? Just
shout “Snow White take flight!”
Soft
OK here goes…
He raises his
arm to stab Snow White,
Audience
Snow White take flight!
Soft hides
behind a tree as SW looks round
He tries again
Audience
Snow White take flight!
Soft hides
again
He tries a
third time, but this time she turns round and screams.
Soft
Oh Snow White, I’m sorry, but your step mother has ordered
me to kill you so please stand still and I’ll try to make it
as painless as possible.
He closes his
eyes and stabs, but she has backed away, so he misses and seems
surprised, he opens his eyes.
Soft
Where are you?
S W
My step mother wants you to kill me?
Soft
Yes, that’s right, on account of you being so pretty.
SW
Oh no. It’s just as Flash said, she’s jealous! Oh what
shall I do? (Calling) Flash! Flash Gordon, where are you?
Panicking, he
gags her and ties her hands!
Soft
Be quiet will you, you silly girl! To be honest I didn’t
want to kill you. Actually, I, well I don’t know what to do.
Your just a lovely girl – so sweet, so naïve – hey,
what’s that light?
Enter Major Tom
Tom
It’s only a torch. Chill out man! Who’s the bird
anyway?
Soft
She’s…well she’s the Princess Snow White and I
have to kill her but I don’t want to. Anyway who are you?
Tom
I’m Tom.
Soft
Tom? Who’s Tom?
Tom
You know, Major Tom, I’ve got a space shuttle and as the
advert says:
“Wherever
you wanna go to,
wherever you
wanna go from,
Travel for one
or for two,
always call me,
Major Tom!”
Soft
Hang on, I’ve had an idea. How about you take the Princess
far away across the galaxy so she can live happily and never be
found by her evil step mother.
Pulling down
her gag
SW
That is exactly what I had in mind. You see there’s this
place called Harrington on a planet called Earth and Flash and I
would quite like to settle there. It sounds quite nice there,
apart from being named after toothpaste that is!
She returns her
gag
Tom
Fine. How are you paying? Cash or credit, only the credit card
machine has been playing up so I’d really rather have cash.
Soft
Paying? – but you’d be saving the life of a Princess.
Tom
Oh, OK, I’ll give you a 5% discount – seems fair!
That’ll be…10,000 Boggles please.
Soft
Oh dear – oh well – here you are – but you are an
immoral wretch!
Tom
I’m immoral? You were about to kill her in cold blood!
Come on then deary, lets go. Shall we take this nasty gag off?
SW
(shouting) Flash Gordon! Help!
Tom hastily regags her.
Tom
On second thoughts, I think it can stay there for now. Goodness
what a noise. Nothing wrong with her lungs anyway! No time to
wait for other passengers. Ready for take off – Geronimo!
He straps her
into the space ship and they take off. Enter Goulash
Goulash
Stop! Where’s the Princess? Please tell me you haven’t
killed her.
Soft
No. I haven’t killed her. I’ll be a toad before
morning. Or a vicar. Or an Estate Agent!
Goulash
What? Oh you’re a good man. What happened?
Soft
I couldn’t do it. She has escaped with Major Tom into a
distant galaxy.
Goulash
Tom? That hippy? He’s not an astronaut, he’s an astronut!
They’ll be lucky to get to the moon. Anyway, you have done
your best and I will help you to pull off this deceit against the
Queen. We will catch a wild pig and present its heart to the
Queen and pretend it is Snow White’s. She’ll never know
the difference. I hope!
Soft
Oh thank you.
They exit as Flash returns, doing up his
fly
Audience Flash
aa-aah saviour of the universe!
As Flash enters he comes to the front of
the stage to receive his recognition
Flash
Aah, That feels better. Funny I thought Snow White would have
been here by now. And where has Tom gone. I arranged for him to
be here to take us away from this planet, but he seems to have
disappeared. Something has gone wrong. Oh my Snow White, I hope
you are safe. (He runs off)
Scene
7 - In the woods on Klart
Narrator
The journey was long and a bit wobbly so both Snow White and Tom
suffered from travel sickness, but after many days they landed,
or should I say crashed on a strange planet.
SW
Hmm, Harrington does not look a bit like it did in the
Intergalactic Eccentric Holidays Brochure. Where is the harbour?
Where are all the churches? Where’s Mary the lollipop lady?
Why is the weather so nice?
Tom
Ah, well we didn’t actually make it to Harrington. Slight
technical hitch. This planet is called Klart.
Tom
Oh man, my space shuttle is all busted up.
SW
Do you think you can fix it?
Tom
Yeah, it always seems to land like that, so I’m used to
mending it. In fact, this is easy compared with some of the
things I have to do. Back on Zotril I occasionally have to fix
the Scout minibus- now that is a challenge.
SW
Have you never thought of learning how to land it more carefully?
Tom
Don’t know where to begin. I was taught to drive it by the
Zotril Scout leaders, as payment for fixing their van. There
can’t be worse drivers than the Zotril Scout leaders
anywhere in the universe. But it’s never their fault. (Puts
on different voice) Yes, officer the planet did just jump out
in front of me.
SW
Sounds like you should take some lessons from somebody else.
Tom
Could be. Anyway I’ll be on me way. You’re safe now
away from that Queen. See ya.
Exit Tom
SW
I may be away from the Queen, but I’m all alone on a strange
planet. I have no protection, no weapons, no food, I don’t
even know what the people here will look like. Oh no, I hear
someone coming, I must hide. She hides behind a tree.
Enter the 7 aliens.
Bossy
Left,
right, left…
Frenchy (to
Shy) Zen she approached me and kissed me and
caressed me… I was so ‘appy, until ze alarm clock went
off.
Dull
It has been calculated that one’s dreams reflect around
1.00002% of one’s real experiences. In fact, I believe if
you experience something regularly, then you are most
unlikely to dream about it.
Giggles
So, hee hee ha ha, if Dull is right, then the more Frenchy
dreams of “ze ladies” the less actually meets them. Ho
ho ha ha.
Frenchy
Well, what chance ‘ave I got around ‘ere wiz Bossy
making us charge around like donkeys all ze time.
Bossy
Insubordination,
as usual! This is what I expect of you
disgusting, lazy oafs.
Snoozy
Here we go again. ( He goes to sit down behind the same tree
as Snow White) Aargh!!!! (He runs back behind the
defensive ranks which have formed incredibly quickly)
Bossy
What is it Corporal Snoozy?
Snoozy
An alien – a Slobber!
Misery Guts
Oh heck, it was only a matter of time. The whole army is gone
except us and we are being invaded!.
Shy
What shall we do? Oh Bossy, do you think we are surrounded? (They
form a circle pointing their weapons outwards and walk slowly
round.)
Bossy
I don’t think so Shy.
Giggles
I’ve got the giggles. It’s a nervous thing, I
can’t help it.
Dull
It is a common affliction among the simple minded. Would you like
me to slap you? (Dull slaps him before he has a chance to
answer)
Giggles
No! Ow!
Bossy
We
need a plan.
Misery
Och, for heavens sake. Lets capture the one we know about at
least then we can find out from him how many there are.
Shy
You mean torture him?
Misery (cheering up) Well, if
necessary! Come on!
They move as one to the tree and drag
Snow White out of her hiding place.
Frenchy
Ugh, it’s hideous. No wonder zey call zem Slobbers!
Snow White
I’m not called Slobber, I’m Snow White!
Dull
It is true that she is not a Slobberian. She seems to be a
strange alien from a far off Galaxy.
Misery
So can we torture her then?
Snow White
I am a Princess from the planet Zotril.
Giggles
Sounds like a brand of toothpaste, if you ask me.
Bossy
So you’re not a Slobber soldier invading while our army is
away.
Snow White No, I know nothing of
Slobber.
Frenchy
That’s your opinion. She’s a sight isn’t she Shy.
Shy
She, well, I think, oh gosh – I think you are the most
beautiful girl I have ever seen.
Frenchy
What? You need your head examined – look she only has two
eyes – hideous!
Snow White
Well my beauty is my problem – I had to flee the planet
because my Step Mother the Queen wanted me dead. She was jealous
because I am more beautiful than she.
Frenchy
What is she like then? Shrek’s bum?
Snoozy
You poor dear, when did you get here?
SW
Just now – in a space shuttle. I feel tired after my
journey, but I have nowhere to go.
Bossy
Right! We needed a task for today! Here it is! Snoozy – go
and prepare a bed for Snow White and remember she’s a
princess so no peas! Giggles and Dull, prepare a meal – the
girl’s starving – find out what she eats! Misery and
Frenchy – to the village – buy our guest some clean
clothes. Shy – you look after the girl, take her to barracks
and make her feel at home.
Aliens sing
“Consider Yourself”
Snow White
Oh thank you, I don’t know what to say. I should feel
relieved, but I don’t think I’ll ever be really happy
again.
Shy
Why not Princess? What’s wrong?
Snow White
This should have been my wedding day. Now my Flash is light years
away and he thinks I’m dead. Our love is just a memory.
Scene 8 – the woods on Zotril
Narrator
Meanwhile, back on Zotril the Evil Queen was delighted with
her pig’s heart and ate it with apple sauce and carrots,
believing it to be Snow White’s. She gave Sergeant Soft a
promotion, which he wished he could refuse.
Soft
I have arranged to meet Snow White’s boyfriend, Flash
Gordon. I must tell the truth. I may have destroyed his life, but
at least I can reassure him that Snow White is alive.
As Flash enters
he comes to the front of the stage to receive his recognition
Audience
Flash aa-aah, saviour of the universe!
Flash
You there! Are you the wretch who killed my Snow White?
Prepare to die!
Flash grabs Soft and holds a knife
to his throat.
Soft
Well, yes and no.
Flash
Which is it, Worm?
Soft
Look, if I tell you what happened, I may well become a worm, so
please calm down.
Flash
Well then tell me what you know!
Soft
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill Snow White! (He
breaks down crying)
Flash
You mean she’s not dead?
Soft
No, she’s not dead. Please don’t tell the Queen.
Flash
Where is she? Have you got her?
Soft
No, but she is safe from harm. Major Tom took her away in his
space shuttle. I don’t know where.
Flash
Snow White. My love, you’re alive. Somewhere out there,
over the rainbow – no Judith I’m not singing that!!! I
will search everywhere and never rest until I find her. Our
summer love was so wonderful… OK OK I’ll sing that
one…
Enter Snow
White on the other side – they sing “Summer
Nights”
Interval
Scene 9
– In town on Klart
Narrator
The war is over again, Princess Slobber is besotted with
Emperor Ming, her husband and told her daddy that all was well.
So here we are celebrating and everybody is here!
All Sing and
dance – then exit all but SW, 7 aliens, Ming and Druffle
Ming
(To the audience) Goodness,
I haven’t danced like that for years. I almost forgot my
problems. I lost myself in the grace and beauty of my dancing,
but then I saw my wife again. I am beginning to accept that it is
my fate to remain married to the gorgon, but I can’t help
thinking that I should have some consolation prize. Maybe a
diplomatic post on the other side of the galaxy, far away from my
family.
He sees Snow White chatting with the aliens.
Hello! Who is that? Now if I had someone like that on my staff… she is so pretty, she would be able to distrac